Difficulties in Deconditioning

One of the things that I didn’t hear discussed when I started learning about and experimenting with Human Design and the Gene Keys was how challenging the process of deconditioning can actually be. 

These systems were presented as having all of the answers to understanding myself at a soul level. All I had to do was learn the system and start living as my true self to unlock more satisfaction and flow in my life. 

It all sounded incredible and like exactly what I had been searching for my whole life. 

As someone with an undefined G-center and gate 28 four times (Personality South Node, Design Mercury and both Pluto placements), I’ve been searching for my life’s purpose, the meaning of life, and a deeper understanding of who I am for as long as I can remember. 

Discovering Human Design and the Gene Keys felt like coming home to a knowing that had been within myself all along. It was a homecoming to my true self. 

But I quickly learned that knowing on a mental level who my authentic self is and actually living as that version of myself was a completely different story.  

The most challenging part of this process has been learning how to actually live as my true self in a world that still prioritizes homogenization and conformity.  

Peeling back the layers of who I am not so that I can reveal more of my true self has been difficult. 

It takes awareness to spot the pattern and it takes a SHIT TON of courage to actually break the cycle.  

I believe that breaking the cycle is really what the deconditioning process is all about. 

Change, mutation, and evolution start on the individual level. Lasting change must start from the bottom-up instead of top-down. We can’t change the systems and expect collective transformation if we haven’t first evolved as individuals. 

We can see this wisdom in the circuitry in Human Design. The role of the Individual Circuitry is to be a mutative force for change. Through empowering yourself to be your authentic self and to do things differently, you act as a mutative force and a vessel for something new to be born into the world. 

Once we can fall in love with and honor our uniqueness, we can do the same for others. We no longer need to feel pressure to think, believe or act the same as others or try to get others to see things the same way we do. We no longer feel threatened by what makes us different. 

This is when I believe we will start to see changes in our communities and within the wider collective. When we heal the shadows within us, we will begin to witness the external world around us transform. 

Healing the shadows within myself has been the most difficult part of the deconditioning process for me because it’s not something that you just work on once and then move on. 

This is about cellular transformation, which takes time. This will likely be a lifelong process for me, which is why I’ve had to really fall in love with the process instead of expecting to reach a certain destination by a specific time. 

As someone with Power View, I see what isn’t working and the power structures and systems that keep us disempowered.  But I’ve also had to witness where these same shadows live within me and where I have been complicit in upholding these toxic systems. 

I believe that this is truly the purpose of my incarnation. The theme of my Incarnation Cross of Cycles, is all about understanding and embracing life’s cycles and transformations. Through my understanding of the necessity for continuity and growth, I’m here to bring a new perspective to societal transformations.

My Vocation/ Core Wound in 47.6 is about transmuting the past through knowing what to invest in (line 6). This can only be done by having the courage to face my shadows, which is what opens the door to the process of transmutation.  

This week during a practice reading session for Chart Reading Mastery, I shared with them what I’m currently integrating in my experiment and shared my chart so that they could reflect back any wisdom and insight that could help me at this time. 

What came through triggered such a massive breakthrough for me. 

As you might know, since 2022 I’ve been in the process of healing the religious trauma from being raised in a high-demand religion. This process has really brought to the surface a lot of the subconscious beliefs that are still living within the cells of my body that are holding me back from living as my authentic self. 

As I’ve been deconstructing the religion that I was raised in and how it continues to affect me as an adult, I also started to deconstruct the coaching industry.

The realization of how I had been complicit in many of the problematic behaviors in the coaching industry caused me to react (the 49th shadow, which is my Personality Jupiter) and swing to the other extreme out of fear of being seen as a bad person for doing things that I now regret as a coach.  

This fear of being seen as a bad person was something that was rooted in religious trauma. Growing up, I was taught that my body was evil and that I couldn’t trust myself and had to always turn to an external authority (often a man) for answers. This caused me to start to distrust myself, disconnect with my body, and believe that I was inherently unlovable and a bad person. 

I thought that I was being revolutionary (the 49th Gift) in my business by slashing my prices in an attempt to be more inclusive, but really I was afraid of being seen as greedy (the 54th shadow).  

This caused me to become a martyr for this cause and sacrifice my own needs because it gave me a feeling of purpose and like I had something to fight for. 

I was still holding onto an unconscious belief that being a martyr for a cause and sacrificing myself was righteous, which was what I was raised to believe made someone a good person.  

One of my students asked, “do you feel like in your body that you are a good person?”

And my immediate answer was NO. I immediately broke into tears, which is often how I know that someone is hitting on the truth.  

I realized that even though I can mentally find all of the evidence to support the belief that I am a good person, in the cells of my body, there was still the belief that I am inherently bad and unlovable. 

In that moment, I could see the lessons that this experience was trying to teach me and how to break the cycle. 

Getting to the root of where these shadows live within me has been one of the most difficult parts of the deconditioning process, but each time that I uncover something new, my inner child is healed a bit more and more of my true self shines through. 

What has been one of the challenges of deconditioning for you?

If you’re looking to be held and supported through your journey, here are ways we can create magic together right now:

• Book a 1:1 Human Design & Gene Keys session
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